ignorance which brings my memories back (>.<)

Don't know how to say it properly already.. for those who reading hope you can understands.. >

Today, there is a kind of feel that I used to forget.. is back.. "abandon and forgotten", "with or without me they still can hang on aren't they?" This feeling... is back.. Scared.. thought I've already forgotten this feeling. Today, just now.. it is back again.. I felt this when I was 10 till form 4.. I thought I buried it.. but I guess not.


If you tell me just ignore it.. then everything will be fine.. And I'll just replied sorry no can't do.. These people are important to me.. The more important they are, their ignorance means a lot to me. Most of the people thought that i don't think much or I am optimistic.. But sadly, I am a person who thinks a lot and will be very emo in a way. Not much people can see it from me.. Cause I always hide it in front of people, is not that I purposely hide it from everybody including those who are important to me. But I think why make them worried bout me? And so I rather take care of it by myself..

Guess that I am one of those freak? Not much people understands me, or should I say I don't show much in front of people? Is not like I am blaming either you understands me or not, but just to said that we don't show much about our characteristic aren't we? Family, friends, lover.. people around me... I just show some parts of me to them.. that is why when i did something, there sure will be some people understands why i did that and some people thinks that I am faking it out.

Standard 1-6, there are always a gang who fight against me.. they team up and try not to hang out with me and try to tells people that I am a freaky woman.. yup, and there is how I look at people and learn how to be strong and independence.. At the end of my primary school, my teacher ask the whole class what is the best childhood memories you have in primary school? Most of them said, hanging out with classmates, PJK when they playing around, chit-chatting with friends in class... etc then they start crying and said that they don't wanted to leave their best pal in school.. but when it is my turn, I said "the best childhood memories i have is to left this school.." everybody were shocked, they look at me as if i were a freak again.. then turn back...

But to my family, they always think that I have a great childhood in school.. They always think that I am good in social and easy to get along with friends... Cause every time I went home, I put on a big smile =) Plus mother and father always busy working.. when they saw me smile like that.. they don't even worried bout me and left to work with a big smile too ^_^... but the reason I have a big smile in front of them is because that I knew I am home, which I can left that school, those people who thinks I am a totally freak..

No matter what i did back then, they always ignore.. But one thing they remember is how bad I am back then.. From there, I understands people wont remember how good you are to them but how bad you are appears in front of them.. But this wont apply on every people.. I realize this when i was Form 4, before that all the people I met just trying to change me in to what they wanted me to be or talk at me in order for them to have subject to talk and laugh about with friends. For me, if is in the past I sure cursing them and hating them.. but now, the hatred and anger I had for those who ignore or back stab at me have gone.

I always told myself, people who do bad things on you, or even back stab on you, doesn't mean that you need to do the same thing to them too. What people think and said is their problem.. as long I didn't do anything bad to the others then that is fine. Because doing the same bad thing to them or to the others, aren't you just the same as them? If that so, then you should hate yourself more instead of them..

Primary school till my form 4, 10 years, I lived in horror, hatred, vengeful, even lied to everyone including my love ones.. all the negatives characteristic.. which makes my family worried bout me a lot.. yea.. but come to think of it, the only reason i can thought of is because I wanted to protect myself towards those people who always wanted to trick me every minute in school.. or even wanted people to notice where I am back then..

Now, this feeling is back and I think it happen since sem3 start... I kinda scared.. Cause I don't wanted to be the one I am back then.. that person back then is not a freak but a jerk.. a freakin jerk.. A jerk who tries to be the best in front of every people.. the person who always scared what is going to happen next.. the person who tries to be the one who people wanted her to be.. the person who sad and emo on every words people said... >< I don wan arr>