lost again

Feeling lost again.. college, family, friends, interest, personal feelings....

College, got so many work to do.. everyday got one more and more and more..

is not like i am complaining.. is just that i don't know what am i doing.. see.. i am still blogging.. refuse to do work... i am really lazy... seeing people all finish one by one.. me?? i am what?? still rushing.. keep saying rushing.. but take many time to finish one thing.. haizz.. some more.. i think this semester my marks will be downgrade... haizz... don't know why... feel that my things my art work or should i say my work.. is more worst.. compare to the foundation year..

Family, don't know why.. it seems like we.. no.. i moving too fast or gone too far?? I can't really talk to my family as usual.. feel like i am in the wrong place?? or i am the one who are wrong?? Why.. i thought i get use to it.. those nagging, ordering, scolding, but why?? it seems like i can't stand it anymore?? last time i used to smile back to them and say oh ,ok.. but why now?? i just turn around and keep quiet?? I can see that you are very angry.. and mad of me.. yea.. i think i really am the one you say just now.. i change jor.. me and my family seems like.. falling apart?? i don want... i wanted us to be like the old days... we three.. use to be ... why?? is this is some kind of punishment?? or...

Friends, my coll friends.. love you all.. but sometimes.. i really feel lost... really... is not like i hate you or scared of you or you cause me this.. no.. sometimes... while alone.. i really will think back what i had done to you.. all of you.. then sometimes i will regret.. feel like i didn't be nice to you.. or being cruel to you all by the words i said.. if that so sorry guys... In the same time, i feel like i can't manage to be with my secondary school friends too.. Feel like i had been ignoring them.. yea.. he said it right : "this bobo ar, after school means bye-bye forever jor.." i thought i am not, but it seems like i am... sorry guys.. really sorry... it feels really bad...

Interest, due to kugen case.. I also think twice and even more.. is it i really love art that much?? or just people around me always said that :" bobo is good at art subject^^" then i only choose to study art?? hah... me ar... really am flower heart.. i love many things.. and get influence by it easily.. maybe this is the main problem.. when i finish my poster.. i love it.. After my performing on stage,i purposely stand on stage a while listening to those people who cheer for me.. it feels great too... i am that "muka tebal".. when i dancing in the class, i feel great too.. but i loss interest very fast also.. but these are those i still remains.. drawing, singing, and dancing...

Personal feelings, i lost too.. i keep telling myself not to do this anymore, stop doing it.. stop thinking of it.. cause i know the risk is very high... extremely high.. is like playing with fire.. but i just like those 3 years old kid.. when parents call you not to do this, 3 years old kid will just do it without bothering.. in my case now.. i am... is it because i love danger?? without any secure, without knowing what is behind the thing, without knowing what will happen next.. i think i will become the next people dying on the road bang by a lotus car..

But why, you are that insecure, but i still... when i can pull myself out?? or i will drown by this illusion?? or i will die in your so call trap?? or.. or...

It seems like i really change, to me.. this change has drive me away..leaving my beloved in the past. But i still love you all. But this does not means that i hate now.. i love who i am now, is just i think i need to think of something to lead me back to you and bring along the new things too..

but i will still smile, and be as cheerful as i can^^ don worry^^

ps: i feel it, you know? or you just fooling around with me?or it is just a misunderstanding?
     to all my coll gang the you<<< is not the one you think!!! ok... ^^